What follows is the only story from “Curmudgeons, Conundrums and Druthers that Sail,” that will be posted in its entirety on this website.
Our tale begins on the Corner of Main
There stood a citizen tall, balding and plain.
When along came Kowalski, the cop on the beat.
With Handcuffs, pistol and donuts to eat.
He said “Move on Mac, or I’ll run you in.”
I said “What have I done, what is my sin?”
“I’ve heard enough, you’re comin’ with me. For violating ordinance Five Two O Three.”
He checked all the pay phones for his Quarter Back.
When asked what is ordinance Five Two O Three,
Kowalski proceeded to cuff me to a tree
He read me my rights, “be silent or speak,
You are the villain, that I’ve searched for more than a week.
You can call an Attorney, an Accountant or Doc
Realtor, Rabbi or boy counting stock.
You’ve the right to be mellow, contrite or sad,
The right to wear yellow, but no stripes with that plaid.”
Just then arrived all of the back up, with sirens a blaring.
I decided to speak, I was very daring.
“You’ve called in Kojak, Colombo, The Man from Uncle and Maxwell Smart
You would have called Jake and the Fat Man, But they couldn’t fit in the Dodge Dart.
‘What have I done to deserve all this attention?
Here comes Napoleon Solo, to take me to my detention.”
And then at the station, with Blue everywhere,
Kowalski must have thought it was time to give me a scare.
He took a deep breath, and then flatulated
He appeared to have pondered, maybe even debated.
“You’re the one that I wanted, It’s you on the poster.”
With that he removed the Gun from his side holster.
The poster said the perp, had “blonde, curly hair,
Stood barely five feet, on her stockings a tear,
In her womb she was carrying, one or two babies,
And she may even be suffering, from a bad case of rabies.
Now I’m a man 6 foot three, and balding on top
So I can understand the confusion of this myopic cop.
So for sheer entertainment, I played along.
I begged and I pleaded and sang them a song.
Now I sing quite poorly, or haven’t you heard.
I can’t carry a tune, and the words sound absurd
What happened just then, you may not believe,
But to stop me from singing they said I could leave
I’ve told you the truth. You can trust my veracity.
He said “Since our prisons are filled to capacity.
Get out of town. I won’t put you in jail,
But we’ll meet again, and then I won’t fail.”
“Officer please I have one question to ask,
Then you can finish drinking what is in your flask.
What did I do, what is Five Two O three?
With eyes filled with rage, he removed the cuffs from the tree
Then he told me my crime as he unhooked the willow
“You were arrested for removing a tag from a pillow.”